There is something so ironic in trying to find the words to say that one of my weaknesses is indecisiveness. I thought there would be some better, fancier, or more rewarding way to attack this personality flaw. And to think that it started from a one sentence prompt from WordPress.

What do you fear the most?

First of all, let’s ignore all other catastrophic thought spirals that my imagination hooks into.

So what was the response that tickled in the back of my head? The fear of choosing wrong. The fear of being wrong, even by accident, and having to carry the burden of every word and thought as if I had to carry the responsibility of every little thing I have ever thought or considered. Even if it were a fleeting thought or a small decision, such as eating a salad out of a bowl or plate.

It is difficult to separate my need to explain things from this point of fear. I used to think that over-explaining was a form of effective communication coming from a rational viewpoint. Turns out, this is the complete opposite of the truth. Learning from this lesson is even harder because of the habits that came from questioning everything.

More importantly, how can I say something without sounding too freaking redundant? It sounds like I’m trying to convince myself.

What I wish others understood about indecisiveness

When asked, I can come out with strong opinions and deep questions in reply. However, this comes from the bargain of my over-active mind. Indecisiveness came from a younger mind that was trying to synthesize several things at once.

And I know why the plate-bowl debate was so loud one night. I was hungry, wanting the most amount of food, without it getting too messy. Trying to do physics ass backwards felt like doing the tango backwards in heeled sandals. Painful and slow. (The obvious answer is bowl by the way. It provides volume, so you can pile MORE food on to increase density without the greens falling to the side.)

But who has time to do that all the time? Let alone have the energy to run these small problems? Something had to give.

Thus, looking like a fool staring at a bowl and plate. It’s the options, the calculations, mental scenarios, piling workbooks and the random projects to give myself a break.

There is a decision being made, usually because I don’t like the options. Having to choose believing that I have to deal with “good enough” does not promote self-assurance. It always feels like something is wrong or I am missing something painfully obvious, but I just don’t know what that obvious thing is.

It’s exhausting. I’m tired, and the exhausting makes me even more tired. The compounding stress is not worth it.

enough-ness

Now the dream is to just have things done. From writing to chores, I’m at the point where I need to know where the end lies. There are places to go to, people to meet, new ideas to be explored! I can’t just hang on to every little thing, hoping something sprouts from a “Maybe”. I need to know what my “Definites” and “Enoughs” are for myself.

A plate is enough for salads. I am definite in my plans to budget monthly. A poem a week is enough. Writing for myself is a definite.

Learning the personal boundaries for time and limits can be difficult if your mind tends to lean towards expansive or flowing. For those who are prone to movement, you’d think we’d be hooked on action, but inaction is just as difficult. Knowing ourselves is a constant battle of wills, planning for the next challenge by throwing bumps in the road, just to slow down the momentum towards the next impulsive habit.

Building a life of enough-ness is about feeling that Enough without self-doubt. It’s in trusting the intuition. And in loving the perfect imperfections that will inevitably come your way.